As a married couple, have you let your sexual relationship take a back burner? Is maintaining your comfort zone your highest goal? Do you rarely talk about your sexual relationship? Has monogamy turned into monotony? If so, it’s time to wake up!
We live in a sexually charged world. 50 Shades of Grey will be released on Valentine’s weekend. Couples who have been negligent in co-creating a mutually satisfying sexual relationship will either be tempted or terrorized by the movie’s release.
Mr. Grey may be great in bed….he may be fantastic at sex….but he lives in terror of eyes wide open intimacy. As a marriage and family therapist, I have met Mr. Greys (and also Mrs. Greys). Vulnerability is off limits in their relationship.
By contrast, when sex is spiritually motivated and takes place in a loving, trustworthy, committed relationship, it is a deeply bonding and exciting connection for a couple. Unfortunately, a desire for sex without intimacy can come from feelings of insecurity, hate, anger, fear, sadness, and need. It is one of the prime ways that people try to fill their emptiness. Sex is not up to that task.
Charlotte Kasl, PhD. (1989) wrote these incredibly thought provoking words about sex…
“We forget that sex is sex.
Sex is not proof of being loved;
Sex is not proof of loving someone;
Sex is not proof of being attractive;
Sex doesn’t make anyone important;
Sex doesn’t cure problems;
Sex is not nurture; and
Sex is not assurance against abandonment, even if you’re terrific in bed.”
Dr. Kasl continues:
“In the long run sex will not shore up a shaky ego. Sex will not fill the emptiness left from childhood wounds or abandonment. Sex will not save a failing marriage. Being able to seduce attractive partners does not mean a person is important, attractive, smart, virile or sexy. It means she or he is good at seduction.”
So married couples who find gazing into one another’s eyes for an extended period of time too intimate, who can’t be emotionally naked with each other and who fight insecurity when physically naked with each other may attend this movie trying to find what they are lacking.
Curiosity will lead to Comparison which will lead to
Dissatisfaction which will lead to Disconnection.
Sex will focus on performance. It will feel like a test that we have the possibility of failing. The purpose of sex will be to please our lover even if we detest ourselves. We’ve been sold a bill of goods!
Christians get a bum rap by society, which pushes the belief that spirituality detracts from sensuality. That is a lie!
Spirituality influences you to see your partner and yourself as both body and soul, and your sexuality as a good gift from God. In reality spirituality frees us to develop our sexuality. In the Torah if a man had sex with his wife without bringing her pleasure it was considered abuse. The Bible presents sex within marriage as a woman’s right and a husband’s duty. (Genesis 3:16) Our culture has that reversed.
Sex is referred to scripturally as “knowing” each other. (I Samuel 1:19, KJV) This is the context that sets us free individually and as a couple to embrace, to explore, and to experience our sensuality. As a result we bring passion, creativity, and romance to our relationship so that as a husband and wife we connect on a deep intimate level.
My mentor, Jean, who is now in heaven, at the age of 87, shared a dream with me. Her words were, “I dreamt last night that Eugene (her deceased husband) and I were making love. Janet, I didn’t want to wake up!”
There is nothing counterfeit about that!
In your marriage what will sex be….connected or counterfeit?
Until our next Conscious Lover’s Blog…..