People use the phrase “working on a marriage.” Often we hear someone say these words, “marriage is hard work.” Perhaps that has scared you and given you a reason to shy away from the commitment that constitutes marriage. Perhaps you believe that if it is true love, there should be no work involved.
Regardless of where you stand the phrase “working on a marriage” is a misnomer from my perspective. My perspective comes as a result of being married to the same man for 45 years and from working in the field of marriage and family for 35 years.
People don’t work on a marriage rather they…
“work on themselves in the context of a marriage.
The important question is who shows up in the uncomfortable and disappointing moments in a marriage or a relationship? That is the work of marriage. Who do I bring to every interaction? It is personal work.
Ask yourself these tough questions.
Who shows up when I have been disappointed by my spouse’s words, actions and or choices?
Who shows up when my spouse in his/her separateness disagrees with me?
Who shows up when my spouse has hurt my feelings?
Who shows up if I have hurt my spouse’s feelings?
Who shows up when my spouse has different plans than I have?
Who shows up when my spouse needs some alone time?
Who shows up when my spouse has strong opinions?
Who shows up when my spouse wants friend time without me?
Who shows up when my spouse has made a significant purchase that I was not consulted on?
Who shows up when my spouse is irritable?
Who shows up when my spouse suggests something that is way out of my comfort zone?
Who shows up when my spouse is delayed?
Who shows up when my spouse is ill?
Who shows up when my spouse is upset?
Who shows up when I am tired and my spouse needs to talk?
Who shows up when my spouse is injured?
Who shows up when my spouse is released from his/her job?
Who shows up when my spouse suffers from depression?
Who shows up when my spouse disagrees with my parenting style?
Who shows up when I am embarrassed by my spouse’s words, actions, and /or choices?
Who shows up when my spouse tries to control me?
Who shows up when my spouse questions me?
Who shows up when my spouse interrupts me?
You get the idea.
Who shows up?
The answers, to those questions, can only be determined by your choices!
That is the work of marriage!
Since we can only marry an imperfect and unfinished human being, the work of marriage is up to me.
Am I willing to work on myself?
Happy Labor Day!
Until our next Conscious Lover’s Blog…
